I.C.U

I manage to conceal myself in such an insignificant peanut shell that no one can see it by day and with light...
someone break it up.pls. i dont wanna be like this anymore. i wanna stop pretending and set loose...im tired of hiding.

now im pretty sure this is not what i want. im not happy. and there's no meaning to everything i do.  i want to meet the people of one tree hill. i want to be part of their family. i've never felt this way; wanting to be part of a fictional world. maybe it's a sign of how lifeless my life is. i want to change the world. i want to be part of Hollywood. but if i leave school and go abroad there is no assurance of anything. there might be no pressure. it would be a whole new world. but  who will i be and who will i be with? will i make it to hollywood? ofcourse not. there's no filipino in hollywood. then id be another loser just like what i am now. i want to be part of the series one tree hill. yeah.im sure i like that. but right now im sad.and empty.and hopeless. im lost. i need to find myself. i need to talk to someone. everything is so damn gray. and I feel so damn tired of living but i still want to live. but i dont wanna do this anymore. study. i find no satisfaction. no interest.no nothing at all. but maybe i want to study. somewhere in a world famous university. my life isnt horrible. i have money.clothes.food.friends. but im sooo not happy. I sooo dont wanna live like this anymore. i wanna run away soo far and start a new life and chase my dreams. but i dont have the courage to leave whatever i have now and risk eveything for something so uncertain. but i really want to go somewhere and be someone. im so young, only a college freshman,  but i feel so depressed. and helpless. i want a new world where there'll be no pressure to do great and be great.  i want to meet new people and get involved. i really wanna leave this place. i dont know why. i dont know how. i just want to start all over again. but i might be too old for that. i dont know. maybe i want to go to north carolina and be independent and be successful and happy then ill go back here. i want to be famous and be great but those things pressure me to my limit. i dont wanna do this anymore. dream and dream and dream. and suddenly wakeup to to be the same old me lying on the same old bed crying for who knows what-or-why. i dont wanna be me. i dont wanna rant and rant and rant. i want to be thankful for all the blessings but im just so not happy and and so not complete. maybe it's too early for me to say this but this is not the life i want. i thought i wanted to be a great physicist. but looking back, when i was way younger i wanted to be an actress. maybe i still want to be an actress. maybe thats my ultimate dream. then meet peyton and lucas and brooke and haley and nate. im only a freshman and i feel so desperate. and hopeless. and nothing. i want to be someone else other than a student solving math equations, physics problems and writing argumentative papers. I am so damn tired and exhausted and everything not nice. please talk to me. i need help.